I have this  Love  that transcends all other loves.


                so I have been 'in love' with a man.  and all the feelings that come with it.  There is no
              other feeling on earth like that.

                                               But I am also 'in love' with my Saviour.  I love him and respect him.
He holds my soul.

                                This love is a gift.  A gift from God.
               And there is no other feeling so heavenly as that!


                                                   Do you ever wonder why some people are so crazy about Jesus?

                                  And you don't see it.
There's this man that lived 2000 years ago and claimed to be God.  He did wonderful things, but what          
                            is that to me now?

                                                    The reason some people are so crazy about Jesus is because He           comes to us (in spirit at least)  in tender ways and moments.  He touches our souls.  We know that He longs compassionately for us.  He aches for us.  He is tender for us.
Do you sense my frustration in trying to express this?
Sometimes,  I feel this incredible beauty explode in my soul and I know that it is Him.  You know how people will do whatever it takes to get, be with and do things with the one they are in love with? That's how and why people are willing to be torn asunder, and go through all horrible malady of things.  They have.......this............Love.
                       They love Him.     They are willing to endure whatever it takes for more of Him.
                         
so...the love of a man has been denied me, at least for now
 I may not have all I want, but I definitely have all I need.

Pain is a part of life, but when you keep going back for more, well it's time to give that up.

I've thought about writing a few times since my last post, but it was inconvenient, and I was unsuccessful (can't use my laptop to do it I guess).  Anyway,  I was just going to whine about some things!  lol.......even if they were true, I guess we don't need any more whinos in the world!  :)

I also have been wanting to do more writing;  a little discouraged by the fact, that only two people read my blog!  lol  But......I guess I have written,  and it's out there!  To me,the main purpose of writing really is to #1.  get things off your chest, #2.  bless, minister to or help others and #3 spur communication and ideas. 

This post is actually inspired by the book I am reading, Unexpected Journeys  by Thom S. Rainer. 

So, I have had this painful relationship and things have happened inside of it that I have not told.  It is probably for the best (sometimes forgetting is).   But,  I drug myself back through some of the experiences (and thankfully they are not as painful anymore.  God and time has healed). 

The reason I drug myself back through these things, was for the love and longing for this girl.  (I believe it is actually the Holy Spirit with me)  that is yearning for her salvation.  I don't all the way understand it,  it is just an intense pain mixed with intense yearning.  Like an empty, holllowness.   It is an intense NEED.  So right now,  I do not have communication with her,  but all these circumstances around our relationship have come back to my memory.  And I know this intense yearning is God's prayers for this sweet child,  oh my goodness,  an intense longing.  God wants His child. 

So, like I was saying,  there was this bad relationship in my life....And somewhere out of the manure that I was steeped in, grew this beautiful flower.  :) 
I was hit over and over again.  I would just recover from one blow, when another would come,  sometimes there was a few days or a week or two in between, but they just never stopped.   I would suffer, recover, then pick myself back up and go right back for more (sometimes with a week or two, or maybe a month at most in between).   Finally God intervened, through some interesting means.  :) 
I was finally forced to end the relationship. 
It was a very crazy thing. 

So, in the midst of all that, there was this girl.  A precious, precious young girl. 
But I loved him.
The one that abused me. This is why I don't like to remember. 
So, anyway,
I loved them both so much. 
I worked up the courage every so often to talk to him, her, (them) about Jesus.  My goodness, He {Jesus} has an incredible longing for people.   Have I mentioned that before?  :)
The painful words he threw at me and the girl were,  "You aren't going to turn into a "Jesus" person like her!"  he spit out bitterly,  his tone dripping with malice.  It was actually more of a command,  like "I forbid it,"  even though he had no rights to do that. 
God, it is still painful.
I froze,  then slunk away.  I don't know why this was such a huge blow, but it devastated me.  I cried the rest of the day. 
So, this beautiful girl,  who is like a teardrop with pink rainbows glittering inside of it, sees me outside.  Acid rain is still falling from my cheeks.  She touches me with her smile and floats away.  Did I mention, she was a beautiful child?

This is the girl I am praying for, with great longing. 

Two Things that almost destroyed my life

Well,  these words are burning a hole in me and this is as good as any place to write!  :)

I got this absolutely AMAZING letter and calendar from my son this Christmas.  I don't expect to be able to aptly communicate to you just HOW amazing this letter was,  but maybe its just like the most important thing you've ever done in you're life and someone says "great job!"  to you.

In the letter he gives me credit for being "one of the most remarkable women I know".   That's a statement that is not easily forgotten or brushed aside.  In fact,  it has given me new breadth of courage in the course of the rotten tomatoes that are being consistently thrown at me from my staff and superiors at work.  But the reason I am writing this is because he made reference to a dark time in both of our lives.  He thanks me for sticking with him through it,  but I remember it differently.  Thank God that only He knows what we think sometimes, amen?  These were very dark times, indeed, and I don't even have the courage to confess to you everything that I went through and the things I contemplated at this time.  

I have to say things with my son were 'hunky dory' until his late middle school and early high school years.  Then the s___ hit the fan.  It really hurts my heart to even remember.  I only know that I was just as bad of a mess as he was.

Really, I just want to skip to the good part.  (I've always been like that- can't stand the horrible, sad scenes in movies).  But maybe it's hard for you to comprehend my 'normalcy' if you haven't seen my depths.  Suffice it to say, I learned what one aspect of Hell is like. And I don't ever want to go there.  The only thing that drug my son and I out of the depths (him drugs and alcohol and me depression and suicide) was faith.  And I don't mean that in the trite way I practiced it before this time. or the expressions on greeting cards, or a meaningless word tossed about at times.  Faith is real.  And it can sustain you.  Without it, you will {actually} die.

It was actually (curiously) very difficult for me to trust, to have faith....but that's what I did because deep down (in reality)  I wanted to live and I especially wanted my son to live!  I was a little incredulous and dubious when God told me that was all I needed to do- to have faith-- but it worked!  In fact, I've had to learn to walk by faith every single day.  When fear threatens to overwhelm and swallow you up, turn on it, be ruthless....throw rotten tomatoes at it :)  I WILL NOT FEAR.  I will TRUST
and give everything up to Him.  Even if you are shaky about it.  Do it anyway.  He will bless your tiny bit of giving and turn it into a raging bonfire.  He can do that.
He can take your pain.    
so TRUST HIM (Omg...you would not believe how tender, kind and gentle he is---can you see Him, feel His heart?  His touch?)  He is in the tender whisper of the wind, caressing your cheek.  He is with You, all the time  Even when you're full of sickness and sin.  Woman! (man!)  That is why He died!   He will never leave you, but  (warning: bad part in the movie :)....if you deliberately go away from Him, He will let you, and nothing can save you.  The greatest hell of aloneness and darkness you've ever experienced is all yours-.     
TRUST HIM
give Him your pitiful life
don't let it be a trite saying.  It is only trite, if you are not actually doing it!

Boy this was a messy one, to have to drag through those emotions again.  But all worth it, if it touches you in some way.  Glory to God!

Now, the hardest part, hitting the publish button.  Lol.

It's time ......

I haven't written for awhile.  There's a lot going on in my life, although it may not seem like
much to someone looking on from the outside.
Some of my most wonderful friends,  (that I have not yet met)  write some truly inspiring and
life-changing things.
this pain and struggle that is sometimes a part of our lives does not go unnoticed.
Here is the way my "friend",  Hannah Hurnard put it:
           
             "Many a quiet ordinary and hidden life, unknown to the world,  is a veritable garden in                         which love's flowers and fruits have come to such perfection that it is a place of delight                       where the King of Love, Himself, walks and rejoices...."

So, I've had a struggle of late which my Creator and a few close friends are privy to.  I've one friend who told me (hilariously) last evening that men were overrated.  Lol.   At the time I did not agree, but have come to agree with that statement {after some unnecessary torture}, myself.
That's really all I have to say about that!  :)

Next, on my mind is what the Lord, I believe,  is trying to do to {with} me.  I believe I'm quite a hard nut to crack,  but He's willing to give it a go!

Because of severe pain and trauma in my life at an early age,  I chose (unconsciously, really)  to put several {very hard} layers around my soul.  Let me tell you,  they do NOT peel off easily!
But He's expecting me {what?!} to work on unpeeling those layers!   I thought I'd just say a little prayer and He would fix things.
Was I ever wrong.
Like,  He expects me to WORK,  consistently, arduously  on this.  It is a lot of work to let go of everything.    Well,  try it!   I'm sure there's some things you have to let go of, too.
One of the hardest things is just to give my heart to God on a platter and trust Him....it's hard, especially when people have been mean and untrustworthy.  So,  I have to say,  "okay, God.  I will not hold myself back anymore.  I give myself totally up.  I will trust. (which is a choice by the way).  I won't try to wrap all these layers around myself so [people] can't get in.  I've been tripping over and tangled up in all those sheets for many years.  :)

He helps, for sure.  He says He is our helper, right?  Unfortunately, the bible does not say He is our "do everything for us", God  which at times, I have to say would be pretty nice. :)   (I get a little crabby sometimes).  I guess He don't want no lazy children, and you can't blame Him.
But the things He does say....
that He will never leave us,
that He will never stop loving us, ....
well you have to see that He's putting a lot of work into Our relationship, Himself.....I mean, really,  NEVER leave us?   Like when EVERYONE else has said,  "man I can't stand you right now....You're on your own."    ALWAYS love us?  That's my absolute favorite.  He's like my GOD Teddy bear  :)

I could go on and on about God,  but pinterest says it better (and there's pretty pictures).
Here's one:

Thank-you for listening.
And have a blessed day.





  

Rush to rest at Your feet Lord Jesus

You can either force God's plan into your timing.

or wait  

either in despair or humbly looking to God.  (Walsh, 2014)

like Sarai-until you're 90 and it seems your desire is NEVER going to happen.
.
I was thinking that perhaps we need to learn to rely on God's love more than the love of any other....more than the love of a child, a spouse, friend or foe, stranger or beau, Mother or Father, sibling or dog.
.
So are you willing?  Willing to let God be enough for you in this season of bereft-ness? 

Bereft through a loss of something we had or loss of something we never had (failure of a dream to come true).  
Are we willing to look to God through our veil of pain and tears...to LET Him comfort our souls....to LET Him be enough for us, now, even in this season of sadness? 

God is willing.  He hates to see us in so much pain, hurting needlessly, when He can dull our pain with His mighty hand through His bleeding Heart.  How MUCH HE loves!  His eternal plea, His aching, longing, beseeching plea is "Come to Me"....Come to Me 
and I will give you rest, refreshment, resilience and all the tenderness and love you need inside every moment.

Addiction

This is funny.  Not really, but....
.
I realized how love can be like a drug.  I've never thought this before or came to this realization.  Because of 'falling in love'  with the wrong man,  I've spent plenty of time pondering this subject.
.
Even though I knew this man was 'bad' for me, I couldn't seem to 'turn it off'.   Then a series of events led me believe I was addicted to love.   I always thought that was stupid and cheesy until I experienced it.  :)

So I have this huge hole,  this pain in my heart, stemming from not having received love from a father.

Then in walks a man who is decidedly like my father (unfortunately).  Something inside me (without my formal permission) is attracted to this man.  Some ghost of my past is saying,  "finally, I will be loved."  Unfortunately,  this is also not true, because I have fallen for someone who is just as incapable of true love as my father was.     Life is cruel.
.
But just realizing that this love is like an addiction, a drug I seek to cover my pain, is actually a step toward healing.  Because I now can step back and say "whoa."
.
to be continued...

thankful amidst wading in the swamp

I want to say 'Thank-you' Lord for all I've gotten to do this summer!    I was just thinking about all the things I hadn't gotten to, cleaning out, wading through all my photos and files on the computer, so we could dump it,  wall-papering and putting in the new toilet and a bunch of other house fixer upper things....THen I thought, wait a minute, what have you gotten done?  what have you gotten to?

I have so enjoyed being able to cook!  (have time to)  Tinkering around my flowers every day!   Keeping my house clean....keeping me clean,  time with my LORD!  just a relaxed schedule.

Doing so many fun trips; Broken Walls with my friend, Pam,  Merritt Youth Retreat with my friend Edna and a new friend, Julie, Vermillion with my friend Mindi and Scott, the rock wall, the sweet gifts from my Heavenly Father, which I am so undeserving of. 

So, Thank-you Lord...I suppose I had better get busy!  :)