Exploring

This is not a pleasant topic to explore, really.  It's like digging in the bogs or sifting through trash or the like.
However, sometimes it helps me to explore things.

There was the time I felt immense hatred toward someone.  I actually decided to explore what would happen if I went through the act of killing them in my mind.  SHOCKING   I know.  But, I wanted to see if there was any relief for the agony that was twisting all my innards and causing immeasurable anguish.  So, when I went through with it, I realized, that the person that does that (commits murder) -  is not going to release their pain.  Sadly.  Getting even (in whatever way) with another person does not necessarily release pain.  It possibly releases some stress, but the pain would INCREASE.
           So during this time of intense pain and hatred,  there was only one thing I could do - go to God.  Of course, if you're mad at an individual, you have a hard time relating to God as well.  But I confessed my feelings to Him,  told Him that I could not get rid of them on my own - that I could not forgive on my own.  But that I needed His strong arms, His strong help.  And after that confession - and God knowing that I wanted to forgive- I went to sleep.  And I told Him I would wait for Him for knead the right feelings into my heart.      
           When one has been deeply wounded, it takes considerable time to recuperate - And one has to let God heal you.  It is like this precious hurt thing that you are holding (maybe your heart) and you don't really want to give it to anyone, even to fix.
           You cry, "But iT"S NOT FAIR - BUT THEY........ Etc. Etc. Etc. "
And you have some mistrust of God actually through this whole process.  After all, if you believe that God is sovereign, you know that He ALLOWED THIS to happen.
             But trusting Him is the only way.  The only way to restoration (of your own soul- hatred just tatters and tears it to bits).  Hatred is one of the devil's favorite pet demons and the mission is to destroy..both you and others....to spawn more hatred babies, as many as possible.
            Trusting Him is the only way to restore your peace.
And you must live out in faith - that God WILL work EVERYTHING together for good