Two Things that almost destroyed my life

Well,  these words are burning a hole in me and this is as good as any place to write!  :)

I got this absolutely AMAZING letter and calendar from my son this Christmas.  I don't expect to be able to aptly communicate to you just HOW amazing this letter was,  but maybe its just like the most important thing you've ever done in you're life and someone says "great job!"  to you.

In the letter he gives me credit for being "one of the most remarkable women I know".   That's a statement that is not easily forgotten or brushed aside.  In fact,  it has given me new breadth of courage in the course of the rotten tomatoes that are being consistently thrown at me from my staff and superiors at work.  But the reason I am writing this is because he made reference to a dark time in both of our lives.  He thanks me for sticking with him through it,  but I remember it differently.  Thank God that only He knows what we think sometimes, amen?  These were very dark times, indeed, and I don't even have the courage to confess to you everything that I went through and the things I contemplated at this time.  

I have to say things with my son were 'hunky dory' until his late middle school and early high school years.  Then the s___ hit the fan.  It really hurts my heart to even remember.  I only know that I was just as bad of a mess as he was.

Really, I just want to skip to the good part.  (I've always been like that- can't stand the horrible, sad scenes in movies).  But maybe it's hard for you to comprehend my 'normalcy' if you haven't seen my depths.  Suffice it to say, I learned what one aspect of Hell is like. And I don't ever want to go there.  The only thing that drug my son and I out of the depths (him drugs and alcohol and me depression and suicide) was faith.  And I don't mean that in the trite way I practiced it before this time. or the expressions on greeting cards, or a meaningless word tossed about at times.  Faith is real.  And it can sustain you.  Without it, you will {actually} die.

It was actually (curiously) very difficult for me to trust, to have faith....but that's what I did because deep down (in reality)  I wanted to live and I especially wanted my son to live!  I was a little incredulous and dubious when God told me that was all I needed to do- to have faith-- but it worked!  In fact, I've had to learn to walk by faith every single day.  When fear threatens to overwhelm and swallow you up, turn on it, be ruthless....throw rotten tomatoes at it :)  I WILL NOT FEAR.  I will TRUST
and give everything up to Him.  Even if you are shaky about it.  Do it anyway.  He will bless your tiny bit of giving and turn it into a raging bonfire.  He can do that.
He can take your pain.    
so TRUST HIM (Omg...you would not believe how tender, kind and gentle he is---can you see Him, feel His heart?  His touch?)  He is in the tender whisper of the wind, caressing your cheek.  He is with You, all the time  Even when you're full of sickness and sin.  Woman! (man!)  That is why He died!   He will never leave you, but  (warning: bad part in the movie :)....if you deliberately go away from Him, He will let you, and nothing can save you.  The greatest hell of aloneness and darkness you've ever experienced is all yours-.     
TRUST HIM
give Him your pitiful life
don't let it be a trite saying.  It is only trite, if you are not actually doing it!

Boy this was a messy one, to have to drag through those emotions again.  But all worth it, if it touches you in some way.  Glory to God!

Now, the hardest part, hitting the publish button.  Lol.