Two Things that almost destroyed my life

Well,  these words are burning a hole in me and this is as good as any place to write!  :)

I got this absolutely AMAZING letter and calendar from my son this Christmas.  I don't expect to be able to aptly communicate to you just HOW amazing this letter was,  but maybe its just like the most important thing you've ever done in you're life and someone says "great job!"  to you.

In the letter he gives me credit for being "one of the most remarkable women I know".   That's a statement that is not easily forgotten or brushed aside.  In fact,  it has given me new breadth of courage in the course of the rotten tomatoes that are being consistently thrown at me from my staff and superiors at work.  But the reason I am writing this is because he made reference to a dark time in both of our lives.  He thanks me for sticking with him through it,  but I remember it differently.  Thank God that only He knows what we think sometimes, amen?  These were very dark times, indeed, and I don't even have the courage to confess to you everything that I went through and the things I contemplated at this time.  

I have to say things with my son were 'hunky dory' until his late middle school and early high school years.  Then the s___ hit the fan.  It really hurts my heart to even remember.  I only know that I was just as bad of a mess as he was.

Really, I just want to skip to the good part.  (I've always been like that- can't stand the horrible, sad scenes in movies).  But maybe it's hard for you to comprehend my 'normalcy' if you haven't seen my depths.  Suffice it to say, I learned what one aspect of Hell is like. And I don't ever want to go there.  The only thing that drug my son and I out of the depths (him drugs and alcohol and me depression and suicide) was faith.  And I don't mean that in the trite way I practiced it before this time. or the expressions on greeting cards, or a meaningless word tossed about at times.  Faith is real.  And it can sustain you.  Without it, you will {actually} die.

It was actually (curiously) very difficult for me to trust, to have faith....but that's what I did because deep down (in reality)  I wanted to live and I especially wanted my son to live!  I was a little incredulous and dubious when God told me that was all I needed to do- to have faith-- but it worked!  In fact, I've had to learn to walk by faith every single day.  When fear threatens to overwhelm and swallow you up, turn on it, be ruthless....throw rotten tomatoes at it :)  I WILL NOT FEAR.  I will TRUST
and give everything up to Him.  Even if you are shaky about it.  Do it anyway.  He will bless your tiny bit of giving and turn it into a raging bonfire.  He can do that.
He can take your pain.    
so TRUST HIM (Omg...you would not believe how tender, kind and gentle he is---can you see Him, feel His heart?  His touch?)  He is in the tender whisper of the wind, caressing your cheek.  He is with You, all the time  Even when you're full of sickness and sin.  Woman! (man!)  That is why He died!   He will never leave you, but  (warning: bad part in the movie :)....if you deliberately go away from Him, He will let you, and nothing can save you.  The greatest hell of aloneness and darkness you've ever experienced is all yours-.     
TRUST HIM
give Him your pitiful life
don't let it be a trite saying.  It is only trite, if you are not actually doing it!

Boy this was a messy one, to have to drag through those emotions again.  But all worth it, if it touches you in some way.  Glory to God!

Now, the hardest part, hitting the publish button.  Lol.

It's time ......

I haven't written for awhile.  There's a lot going on in my life, although it may not seem like
much to someone looking on from the outside.
Some of my most wonderful friends,  (that I have not yet met)  write some truly inspiring and
life-changing things.
this pain and struggle that is sometimes a part of our lives does not go unnoticed.
Here is the way my "friend",  Hannah Hurnard put it:
           
             "Many a quiet ordinary and hidden life, unknown to the world,  is a veritable garden in                         which love's flowers and fruits have come to such perfection that it is a place of delight                       where the King of Love, Himself, walks and rejoices...."

So, I've had a struggle of late which my Creator and a few close friends are privy to.  I've one friend who told me (hilariously) last evening that men were overrated.  Lol.   At the time I did not agree, but have come to agree with that statement {after some unnecessary torture}, myself.
That's really all I have to say about that!  :)

Next, on my mind is what the Lord, I believe,  is trying to do to {with} me.  I believe I'm quite a hard nut to crack,  but He's willing to give it a go!

Because of severe pain and trauma in my life at an early age,  I chose (unconsciously, really)  to put several {very hard} layers around my soul.  Let me tell you,  they do NOT peel off easily!
But He's expecting me {what?!} to work on unpeeling those layers!   I thought I'd just say a little prayer and He would fix things.
Was I ever wrong.
Like,  He expects me to WORK,  consistently, arduously  on this.  It is a lot of work to let go of everything.    Well,  try it!   I'm sure there's some things you have to let go of, too.
One of the hardest things is just to give my heart to God on a platter and trust Him....it's hard, especially when people have been mean and untrustworthy.  So,  I have to say,  "okay, God.  I will not hold myself back anymore.  I give myself totally up.  I will trust. (which is a choice by the way).  I won't try to wrap all these layers around myself so [people] can't get in.  I've been tripping over and tangled up in all those sheets for many years.  :)

He helps, for sure.  He says He is our helper, right?  Unfortunately, the bible does not say He is our "do everything for us", God  which at times, I have to say would be pretty nice. :)   (I get a little crabby sometimes).  I guess He don't want no lazy children, and you can't blame Him.
But the things He does say....
that He will never leave us,
that He will never stop loving us, ....
well you have to see that He's putting a lot of work into Our relationship, Himself.....I mean, really,  NEVER leave us?   Like when EVERYONE else has said,  "man I can't stand you right now....You're on your own."    ALWAYS love us?  That's my absolute favorite.  He's like my GOD Teddy bear  :)

I could go on and on about God,  but pinterest says it better (and there's pretty pictures).
Here's one:

Thank-you for listening.
And have a blessed day.





  

Rush to rest at Your feet Lord Jesus

You can either force God's plan into your timing.

or wait  

either in despair or humbly looking to God.  (Walsh, 2014)

like Sarai-until you're 90 and it seems your desire is NEVER going to happen.
.
I was thinking that perhaps we need to learn to rely on God's love more than the love of any other....more than the love of a child, a spouse, friend or foe, stranger or beau, Mother or Father, sibling or dog.
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So are you willing?  Willing to let God be enough for you in this season of bereft-ness? 

Bereft through a loss of something we had or loss of something we never had (failure of a dream to come true).  
Are we willing to look to God through our veil of pain and tears...to LET Him comfort our souls....to LET Him be enough for us, now, even in this season of sadness? 

God is willing.  He hates to see us in so much pain, hurting needlessly, when He can dull our pain with His mighty hand through His bleeding Heart.  How MUCH HE loves!  His eternal plea, His aching, longing, beseeching plea is "Come to Me"....Come to Me 
and I will give you rest, refreshment, resilience and all the tenderness and love you need inside every moment.

Addiction

This is funny.  Not really, but....
.
I realized how love can be like a drug.  I've never thought this before or came to this realization.  Because of 'falling in love'  with the wrong man,  I've spent plenty of time pondering this subject.
.
Even though I knew this man was 'bad' for me, I couldn't seem to 'turn it off'.   Then a series of events led me believe I was addicted to love.   I always thought that was stupid and cheesy until I experienced it.  :)

So I have this huge hole,  this pain in my heart, stemming from not having received love from a father.

Then in walks a man who is decidedly like my father (unfortunately).  Something inside me (without my formal permission) is attracted to this man.  Some ghost of my past is saying,  "finally, I will be loved."  Unfortunately,  this is also not true, because I have fallen for someone who is just as incapable of true love as my father was.     Life is cruel.
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But just realizing that this love is like an addiction, a drug I seek to cover my pain, is actually a step toward healing.  Because I now can step back and say "whoa."
.
to be continued...

thankful amidst wading in the swamp

I want to say 'Thank-you' Lord for all I've gotten to do this summer!    I was just thinking about all the things I hadn't gotten to, cleaning out, wading through all my photos and files on the computer, so we could dump it,  wall-papering and putting in the new toilet and a bunch of other house fixer upper things....THen I thought, wait a minute, what have you gotten done?  what have you gotten to?

I have so enjoyed being able to cook!  (have time to)  Tinkering around my flowers every day!   Keeping my house clean....keeping me clean,  time with my LORD!  just a relaxed schedule.

Doing so many fun trips; Broken Walls with my friend, Pam,  Merritt Youth Retreat with my friend Edna and a new friend, Julie, Vermillion with my friend Mindi and Scott, the rock wall, the sweet gifts from my Heavenly Father, which I am so undeserving of. 

So, Thank-you Lord...I suppose I had better get busy!  :)

Backpacking on the Serengetti (nah, just like the way that sounds)

   
    Gorgeous hike from Wild Basin in RMNP.  Some excitement on the trail included crossing a high mountain water fall, more like a trickle  :),  but it was steep and did have to be climbed over.
It was an exciting journey with breathtaking views.

Going backwards...this was about 500 ft up into our hike....total distance was 7 miles.

it's getting late....i'll finish the chronicle of awesomeness tomorrow.  :)

notes, to do list

-Would like to set sweet sunrise over a beautiful pic and post on pinterest

-figure out how to e-mail certain posts to people