I read about someone who had sadly committed suicide and one of his laments was that he just wanted to be 'normal.'
I totally get that. I have thought that many times.
Some of the things I would recommend for someone going through this:
1). This too shall pass....this mentality is life-giving. It is hope with wings. It gets our focus off ourselves and our situation. Maybe bad feelings will persist, but you use your mind and will to choose to believe that things will change...It does take work, though. You must deliberately refuse negative thoughts (which can seem constant). You must fill your mind with everything good and true and right.
(It is actually a bit grueling for me to write this as I am trying to put myself back into those un-fun places where I would think these thoughts. It's like going to the edge of the abyss and just hoping I don't fall in again, lol).
I really feel for you, though. You're worth it.
2). So much of all these feelings really start with your thoughts. Your thoughts and your attitude.
I know something that precipitates the "I just want to be normal" idea is that things that come so easy for others, we have to scrimp and scavenge and work so hard for. It can seem unfair. A very special person once said, "So much has been given to me, that I do not have time to dwell on that which has not." That person was Helen Keller, who was deaf and dumb and blind.
I guess one thing to keep in mind is that there actually is a reason. There is a reason you're going through all this. You probably weren't supposed to have to go through all this, but you know the world is a pretty messed up place. The detour, the desert you are walking through will eventually have a purpose in your life. If you keep persevering, keep choosing gratitude (for everything good), keep saying 'no' to the thoughts that want to drag you into the pit, keep deliberately choosing to focus on all the good, keep believing the Universe of it all has a plan that is good and true and right, and obey you will make it! What I mean by obey is that inner voice that is leading you, telling you what you need to be doing- you need to listen to it and act upon it.
And one of the most profound and freeing things you can do is forgive. Yes, I know, that dirty word, again. But we are able to forgive because of His death on the tree. Put that person there. If you don't have a person to put there, put your disability there. Jesus took their place so you can forgive, be forgiven and be whole. The Universe (Jesus) became YOU, the you you don't want to be, so that you can be resurrected, whole, complete.
Getting out from under this is possible, even probable, but you do have to take those steps. Forgiveness. Being open to what He has for you. Embracing His death so you can be resurrected again, too. And the absolute best thing of all? Knowing He will never leave you.
He won't leave you in the PIT.
He won't leave you in your shame
He won't leave you in your circumstance
He is making the way. He is the way.
