Social Anxiety's Nemesis

 

    When I began to change like a worm in a chrysalis, it was a process.  The LORD showed me how ‘closed’ I was.  When you are always expecting the worst from people, it puts like a veil or blanket over you that prevents you from connecting with others.  It only just adds to your pain, as it is very lonely.  

    One of my first steps in overcoming Social Anxiety was to deliberately choose to be open.  Open to people.

This is not necessarily easy for someone who has been entrenched in a chrysalis of their own making for many years.  It takes time.  Years.

Just yesterday, I was heading for the gym at my school, knowing that the whole school would be there when I walked in.  

It’s like a saw from a physical standpoint what my ‘closed-ness’, anxiety looked like.  It was head-down,  toes curled tightly inward.  

So, I deliberately made the choice for my mental mindset to cast off the ‘inwardness’, curling in,  and chose to open my mind to what lay ahead of me.  It was a fun game between staff and students.  

Praise God!  We are overcoming!  He has VICTORY in store for the upright!  Victory! Victory! Victory! Victory! Victory! Victory! Victory! 

I just want to be normal

 

I read about someone who had sadly committed suicide and one of his laments was that he just wanted to be 'normal.' 

I totally get that.  I have thought that many times.

Some of the things I would recommend for someone going through this:

1).  This too shall pass....this mentality is life-giving.  It is hope with wings.  It gets our focus off ourselves and our situation.  Maybe bad feelings will persist, but you use your mind and will to choose to believe that things will change...It does take work, though.  You must deliberately refuse negative thoughts (which can seem constant).  You must fill your mind with everything good and true and right.  

(It is actually a bit grueling for me to write this as I am trying to put myself back into those un-fun places where I would think these thoughts.  It's like going to the edge of the abyss and just hoping I don't fall in again, lol).  

I really feel for you, though.    You're worth it.     

2). So much of all these feelings really start with your thoughts.  Your thoughts and your attitude.

I know something that precipitates the "I just want to be normal"  idea is that things that come so easy for others, we have to scrimp and scavenge and work so hard for.   It can seem unfair.  A very special person once said,  "So much has been given to me, that I do not have time to dwell on that which has not."  That person was Helen Keller, who was deaf and dumb and blind.  

I guess one thing to keep in mind is that there actually is a reason.  There is a reason you're going through all this.  You probably weren't supposed to have to go through all this, but you know the world is a pretty messed up place.  The detour, the desert you are walking through will eventually have a purpose in your life.  If you keep persevering, keep choosing gratitude (for everything good), keep saying 'no' to the thoughts that want to drag you into the pit, keep deliberately choosing to focus on all the good, keep believing the Universe of it all has a plan that is good and true and right, and obey you will make it!  What I mean by obey is that inner voice that is leading you, telling you what you need to be doing- you need to listen to it and act upon it.  

And one of the most profound and freeing things you can do is forgive.  Yes, I know, that dirty word, again.  But we are able to forgive because of His death on the tree.  Put that person there.  If you don't have a person to put there, put your disability there.   Jesus took their place so you can forgive, be forgiven and be whole.  The Universe (Jesus)  became YOU, the you you don't want to be, so that you can be resurrected, whole, complete.

Getting out from under this is possible, even probable, but you do have to take those steps.  Forgiveness.  Being open to what He has for you.  Embracing His death so you can be resurrected again, too.  And the absolute best thing of all?  Knowing He will never leave you.  

He won't leave you in the PIT.

He won't leave you in your shame

He won't leave you in your circumstance

He is making the way.  He is the way.            

COLOR YOUR WORLD BETTER; Use your imagination for good not evil

 

Color Your World With Light

The pain of being traumatized especially by someone who was supposed to care for you as a child can color your whole world....in dark gray monotones.

I hate to say this, but for most of my life I have seen Giants instead of Milk and Honey, especially in regards to people.  I always imagined people were saying or thinking bad things about me, a lot of times before I even met them!  And many times, especially afterward.  Talk about dark, negative thoughts...

But lately, God has been re-writing my story.  He is turning the river of pain into a river of forgiveness.  He is turning self-focus into Himself and Others' focus.  Let me be clear, this takes A LOT of work on my part.  God does the miracle in my heart, but I am the one working to CHOOSE forgiveness,  to CHOOSE to let go of inflated (or deflated, but anyhow, anyway WAY TOO MUCH FOCUS ON MYSELF)!  I pray and ask him to remind me anytime I have a negative thought about what others are thinking or about my own performance, or any other specific outcome.  He Does Do IT.  It is very eye-opening about this driver of anxiety.     

Back to the nuts and bolts of it.   So anytime I have a thought like that or even sometimes just for practice,  I imagine situations GOING WELL!  I imagine my desired outcome.  I imagine connections and good relationships with others.  I actually picture it and 'see' it within my mind.  

This is basically using faith, like Caleb and Joshua did in the promised land.  The Israelites sent them and 10 others to spy out the land they were going to take over.  Everyone except Caleb and Joshua saw GIANTS.  Caleb and Joshua said "Ah shucks!  They aint nothin'!  With God on our side we can overtake them!  It is a GOOD land, flowing with milk and honey.  Sadly the people listened to the negative voices and allowed them to overtake the good ones.  You can read about it in the Bible in the book of  Numbers 13 and 14.   

I feel I need to warn you as well, not to turn away from this 'simple' answer to defeating anxiety.  It WILL work with patience,  much hard work changing your thoughts and God's help!  I turned away from faith once because I thought it was 'too simple' of an answer for my issues.  I sufferent greatly because of it and caused suffering and grief within my family.

But thanks be to God, who is faithful and true, slow to anger, quick to forgive!  He has seen me through all trials and will continue until the Day

Dwelling

 

I was reading The Broken Way   and struggling to make it through the first few chapters.    And I had the thought that Dwelling on the Bitter does not make it Better.     I also had the thought that it really is your (my)  [lack of]  self worth that is the main contributor....If we get that straightened out.....knowing, believing Our Value.....the pain subsides

Sometimes it's like you're a flag on a flagpole and you just have to hang on.

Sometimes it's like you're a flag on a flagpole and you just have to hang on 

There are so many instances where this statement applies...Sometimes you are in a job where you keep working your but off and you keep getting passed up.....hang on.

Sometimes you have an addiction that tempts you daily.....hang on.

Sometimes you are  tormented by your own anger tempting you at every turn to blow up....hang on.

Sometimes you are just plum tired and have to keep working...hang on

Sometimes anxiety courses through your mind and affects your body, too, and you can't control it....hang on

Sometimes the temptation is the quiet type, like depression that cuts like a knife in your heart, and it's all you can do to hang on.

Sometimes it's all of the above at once, in a hurricane force gale....and you have to hang on for dear life!

I was having a day like that yesterday....and talking to God usually helps. He usually leads me to a comforting scripture or message of some sort.  But .....

                                                  there 

                                                   was

                                                  only

                                                 silence.

 I tried confessing my sins.  I asked for prayer from friends.  I tried just listening.........nothing.             Nothing worked to get me out of my oppression.

The only verse that was last in my mind that morning before going to work, was .....Wait Upon The LORD......so, I did.....only barely.......I was like a scrappy mess emotionally.....like one of  those flags that have seen its better days,  but are still out there, flying,  hanging onto the pole.

I'm writing this to encourage you.  At the end of the day,  I finally got my message from the LORD.  It was simply BELIEVE.  A lot of the things that were tormenting me were problems that I have been dealing with. The rhetorical question hanging in my mind was......

Are you going to believe?   

Are you going to believe things are going to get better or are you going to hang onto your pessimism, your grouchiness, your "I hate (fill in the blank-with whatever you are hating right now)"  attitude?    It really is that simple.

You still have to endure the dark days that feel like you're in a tunnel and you are never going to get out.  But on the other side of the tunnel, you are faced with 

What               will                you               believe?

I CHOOSE to believe things are going to get better with the situations/problems that I am facing.  I CHOOSE to  believe we am going to come out on the other side, victorious!   I CHOOSE to believe, that though I am a flag on the flagpole today,  tomorrow I will be walking on solid ground across the bridge of faith to an unknown GOOD plan that God has for me!

As for me and my house,  we will serve the LORD....Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve. 

Joshua 24:15

I am giving credit in this article to the LORD, of course, and also to Steven, my husband, who inspires me and encourages me every day to CHOOSE BELIEF......because that's how he lives his life!

the tender hands of God (with awe)

 My God,  You are so tender with me

Even, espcially when I am harsh with myself

God, my God 

how you love

with passionate abandonment

Sip the sun

 

As I sip the sun on brilliant Saturday morning, 

my imagination takes me to the mansion overlooking the wide valley with the creek running through it.  

I imagine its me sitting up on the cozy glass-enclosed porch viewing the scenic beauty and musing about the morning or taking a stroll onto the overhanging deck, cup of warm brew in hand.  

breathing in the cool crisp clean air of winter and the magnificent scenery.  

but atlas,  I labor along the creek bottoms, following a deer track in the early rising sun... 

THIS is my preferred workout.  

There is no sight of the creatures, now,  only the evidence of matted down grass in places and  some bones along the edge of the creek (succumbed to a pack of coyotes, no doubt) the abundance of which  I heard in evidence on a previous evening walk; the multitude of yips and howls which sent me scaling back up the hill from whence I came.  

But in the day, I am fearless and the creatures of the night are the ones in abeyance (for now).   

The only one, the marvelous mutt by my side

As we sip the morning sun together in our morning nature walk to otherworlds

Peace... Restful Sunday steeling into my soul

 

Pure Sabboath

Watching the Robins

Seeing the Geese with their flashy white reflecting dazzingly in the sun

The water turning into liquid gold, lapping the shoreline

The occasional call of a herring gull

the roaring of distant falls as a backdrop

a slight breeze rustling the prairie grass at my feet

The hammock beckoning

Sunday steels into my soul

 

I am free because I forgive those who have hurt me, including molestation.

I am free because I walk in faith.

I am free because I look to Christ every day for the strength to do the above things.

The slimmest sinew of faith is stronger than the biggest barge of doubt and disbelief

 

I have lived fear.

I have made personal acquaintance with it.  I have actually relied on it, like a [very] bad best friend. 

Fighting fear and anxiety has been an exhausting battle for me that has spanned decades.  As anyone knows that has had this battle, it is not an easy road. 

I have to say some days my faith feels as strong as a blade of grass...but it's really is amazing....He is really just trying to get me to have faith and even if I give Him a hair-breadth of faith.....it really is strong enough to hold me, because He comes in through that hair, that tiny electron or quark, and all of His Strength comes in with it.  

Anxiety coupled with self-consciousness makes me want to shut down and close in on myself, because it feels safer, but ironically it is not.  The road to confident stability and victory lies in opening up and looking to Him.

This morning, the social anxiety was pounding against me.  I looked to Him and saw myself.  He showed me, it was like I was cringing, expecting something terrible to happen.  That revelation changed me.  I was able to show compassion to my students and lead them in a calm and kind manner. 

There are times I just long for Heaven and Home because I get so tired of it all, but I know He has a purpose for me, for my life, anxiety and all.  I also know there are people and children out there that I am sent to, to help.  This makes this arduous life worth living.  Them.  The children I serve and the people I have yet to help.

God bless you in Jesus name

 

What you speak, you Glorify

 

I'm just tossing this around in my head,

but I was thinking about some horrible things I know that have happened to people.....like hideous, unimaginable things.....And I thought of some of the people I know that are still living after these things have occurred.  

I was thinking,  are we going to 'glorify' the evil things, the bad things that happen by thinking about them, thinking we can never get over them?    If we glorify God and good, we need to think and say, yes,  these things happened.  They are obviously works of twisted demons.  However, I'm going to say, LOOK at WHAT GOD HAS DONE!  

 I don't mean to demean any suffering that anyone has been through,  but please don't let the DEVIL and the EVIL that he has perpetrated through people win!  We let it win when we 1). don't trust God to heal (turn to drugs & alcohol or other devices for the pain) 2). we don't give the evil to God and TRUST HIM to RECOMPENSE HIS VENGEANCE!    

The more we talk about the good the God has done, saved us, redeemed us, set us free.....all the beauty in the world and in people, but mostly just GOD Himself, we are glorifying GOOD, GOD.  

It's not that we can't talk about what happened.  But I think when we do, we always need to preface, suffix it with......God can take bad and turn it into good. 

We need to get off of our (okay I need to, lol) fixation with the bad.  

In God, there is no darkness at all....He's 100% positive. 

So, this also goes for the little snubs and insults that we receive from others.  Are we going to let them go...are we going to engrave all the good that they've done into our hearts with indelible ink and let those other things, slink away, like the demon that instigated them without (glorifying) or drawing attention to them?

Glorify the good and thereby glorify God.  

I feel like I'm missing SO much in this little 'talk' and just scratching the surface. ...And as usual, I am 'preaching' mostly to myself!

When God Speaks.....

 

Today, I had had a day more full of 'church' than usual.  I also didn't eat supper.

I say that because sometimes I think God speaks more clearly to me (maybe I hear better), in these circumstances, but He told me to go to the park.  I had seen a man there yesterday that I was concerned about, so I thought maybe he's still there and maybe God wants me to witness to him.  

But He told me to hurry.  I didn't have time to grab everything like I usually do (I always make sure I have everything I might possibly need, lol).  so, I left quickly.  

The man was there and I had a nice conversation with him.  At some point when I was about to leave, he said to me, it's a good thing you stopped by when you did, I was about to turn in!

He kept bringing up God in the conversation.  We talked about where he was going and had been and a few other things. I asked him if he wanted to read my booklet.  We read a few pages, but it was getting late and the bugs were eating us up.  I said, 'it sounds like you already know about God'.  He said, yes, I just read Isaiah, today.

Anyway,  it was cool.  Also, the thought occurred to me that since he was painting houses, that maybe he could help me.  I asked him if he could take out a window, and he said, 'yes'.  that's what I do, is construction.  I just think it's God showing Himself in amazing ways to me.  Because no one has been showing up that I have hired to do work for me and I've been praying about it to God, because I would really like to get this house done before school starts.  

Voices in our heads

 

There are things that people will say to you....you have to choose not to believe.

You have to choose....are you going to believe the negative things, or are you going to believe what God says about you.

Sometimes the worst voices are in our own heads, but we live terrified that someone will actually corroborate what we believe about ourselves and we will be in despair, thinking,  "it's true, then."

Sometimes it's a daily battle, but it is usually strongest when you are embarking on a new venture...for me, anytime I do a social outing or sponsor a social activity... 

Going somewhere?

 

I was thinking today about the verse in the bible that says...."as they went, they were healed."    

Sometimes I would get a little perturbed at God because....like,  Here I am going, God!  I don't see this healing.  Why are you letting me go through this? (Why do I have to go through this)?

It's not the going that heals you,  it's the faith that is required for the going....I didn't know how weak I (my faith) was until I started this path/journey.  

This faith also involves surrender....because it is not WE who do it (whatever it is God is requiring you to do that is really impossible for you).  We surrender to the Lord.  We lay down all our weapons and shields (of self-protection) and say,  "I am Yours, Lord.  Please do through me what I am incapable of doing on my own.  

Amen.

When a garage sale turns into a life lesson

My friend came to go garage-saling with me.  I was looking forward to it.  

But I was tired.  I was so tired, but I drug myself out of bed after hitting the snooze for the fourth time.  She was all perky and ready to go.  

She talked of leaving without me.  That kicked me into gear a little.  I got dressed quickly.  She put my dog out to save me time. 

Then came the first disagreement.  I thought we should ride together.  She thought we should ride separately.  I stood there frustrated, looking at her and she staring back at me.  

"Well, I guess"....I reluctantly said as I got into my car."

She wanted to go to a certain sale and I wanted to get a newspaper that showed the listings....on and on the disagreements kept mounting.  Finally we just went our separate ways.  

I got more and more disgusted as I walked around the sales by myself.  I pouted to myself,  "I wouldn't even have gone if she hadn't wanted me to go and here I am going around by myself."  

Eventually I went back home.  

After I got home, the big evil self pity monster really struck!  I started thinking about how de-valued I felt and remembered how someone else I loved had treated me that same way.  Then I started down a terrible familiar path of feeling totally unloved and unworthy.  The tears were really rolling then!  Yikes!  

But after awhile,  I heard her come into the house and I knew I needed to get myself together.  I was praying sputtering prayers this whole time!   Which sounded like, "Lord, help me!"

Well, the turning point in the battle with the self-pity monster finally came.  I have this trick of waiting on the Lord when I don't have what I need inside of me.  Just looking to Him in faith.

Anyway, I remember pulling my drapes open and staring at the day outside and my beautiful, but pitiful (like me, lol). geranium and I started saying to myself....over and over and over.

"I respect myself."

wow,  I liked the way I began to feel...more strong, confident.  The sniveling soon stopped.  I became more and more calm.  I think I also reminded myself of how much the Lord valued me and just how valuable in general I am!  

So eventually got myself together enough that I knew what I was going to say to her.  Which was eons better than what I originally wanted to say and I am sure it would have been bad for our friendship....it would have made me seem like an overreacting, petulant, large child!  :) 

So, I just calmly told her that if she wanted to go garage-saling by herself, that was fine, but, in the future, please do not invite me if you do not intend to go with me.  

She then in turn expressed her feelings to me which included some missed appointments (me missing meeting places, taking too long to get there, etc).  

So even though our conflict was really not resolved, the feelings and statements that needed to be aired were and there was peace in our friendship (which is the most valued thing that needs to be protected).  

Surprise!-Nature's Gifts

 

I was thinking how the Creator must love surprises as much as I do.  

I was imagining how He must've laughed at the first person trying to open a coconut  and smiled a warm smile at the delight of the yummy rich goodness inside.  

Belief for Bitterness

 

Letter to my friends:

I just wanted to share some VICTORY I've had lately.  I know that something God has taught me recently is that I haven't had the faith I've needed in the past.   And sometimes faith seems like an ethereal, illusive thing to all of us.  So, the reason I have not had victory (in the past). of developing a positive self image was because I was not putting ALL my faith effort (all my strength-muscles) :).  into believing the things that were said about me.  I can see this in some of my other friends with low esteem as well.  It's like lots of people could say nice things and it didn't even matter.  It was hard to believe those things.  God showed me that I had to deliberately BELIEVE.  THere is some amount of wounded pride within me.  I don't know everything, but I do know the price for getting rid of this, is deliberately opening up.  It feels painful,  and I know there are ways I was shut tight as a clam (and preferred life that way)!  lol.  Although I didn't.  Life is pretty miserable as a clam, actually,   At least, it is not nearly as fun! as all those other outgoing creatures swimming around and having a blast with their life!  

I thank God for revealing these things to me and I look forward to seeing what He is going to do in my life!  

And I hope the lives of others as well.  :)

Sometimes it's hard to choose belief, but it is like choosing hell or heaven.....really.

Promise

 

You thrill me with miracles

You gave me a promise      You seal it with signs...

Thank You Lord for Your comfort.  A promise,  that You have good plans for me, even for marriage.

And when I cry and doubt, you send me signs....incredible timing....Gifts from children,  

Doubting thoughts this morning; I look out the window;  and there is another one, driven like a spear into the grass....         Thank You 

Cha Cha Cha

 Cha- Cha-Cha,,,,

I was thinking I would let you in on some secrets

I have discovered.

Ways to make a vacation in your home town...

Even if all you can afford is a meal out or a walk about!

Something I have done to make even a restaurant

visit more interesting (while waiting for the food) is

to take pictures of 'house decor'. ....Then I compile them or feed out clues meagerly, (depending on what kind of mood I'm in) to my friends on Facebook......The game is "guess where I'm at?"  It's interesting that sometimes people can't get places 20 miles away sometimes (I make it harder with what I post when it's close) but can get places that are 2 hours away.

Once I was in a quite obscure restaurant in Omaha, NE and I knew no one on my feed would recognize it, although I do have a few Omaha native friends...But. if they were really serious about my game,  they actually could have zoomed in on my photo, as the napkin holder in the background had the name on it.  

But, I guess their were no Ferraris at stake or anything like that, so sometimes people don't care to put forth the effort!  :)

Other ways to make local fun

-take in the tourist attractions as if you were a tourist instead of a native. Wear the get up.  Ask the tour guide crazy, weird and stupid questions!  Enjoy the reactions.  :)  LOL

-go a little 'crazy'.....we've dressed up in biker outfits on Sturgis rally weekend and ate in restaurants (but stayed in our home town)....we've asked bikers if we could do a photo op on or near their bike.  (i've never had the nerve to ask for a ride, but that might be fun as well).  Sometimes, we've worn evening gowns out to eat at a local place.....sometimes I wear crazy hats.....makes life more fun! :). 

-read up on the history of your area.  look up the public places on the historic registry and check them out. 

-visit local museums, shops, bookstores and libraries 

-meet new people

-record the flora and fauna of your area.  (I live in a rural area, so it's pretty easy).   I take lots of nature hikes and take picture of anything I see that I don't recognize by name and either google it or post it to a FB group I'm in to find the name of it. 

That's all I got for today.  Cheers!

Bearing the Cost

After a day of having to bear a heavy load, that left me in tears.....I started reflecting.... 

I was thinking back today on this moment several years ago, as I was walking on a forgiveness road,  a rough patch actually.  And I had read this story of twin brothers.  One whose live was a wreck; he was an alcoholic, had been through some failed marriages, was distanced from his children.  The other had quite a nice life, successful career, happily married, a good family life.  

This story hit me like a ton of bricks, because someone asked the brothers the reason why their lives were the way they were and they had the same response:  "growing up with an alcoholic father."

I knew at that moment I really had a choice.  Was I going to choose the road of being bitter or better?  

It was so hard.  I was very bitter.  I struggle with bitterness to this day.  But on this day,  and it was like moving a 2 ton boulder for me emotionally, or swinging around a crane with physical force,  but I took hold of that 2 ton brick of bitterness and I turned it around.  I said,  "no, "   

I                    WILL                     NOT              BE             BITTER

I will allow this to make me better.  Although this was a turning point in my life,  there are still many, many instances that come up where I have an opportunity like this......And I have to choose the high road.  I had a pretty terrible day even yesterday,  having the anxieties attack me and then (of course). rejection from a student compounding that.  But, I can see where it prepared me for today, an even worse day!  I looked up a lot of positive messages and they helped.  Thank heavens I did that!  Also, for my breakfast meal,  I read Hinds Feet on High Places which talks about the Valley of Humiliation.  I didn't know how MUCH I was going to NEED that!  I didn't know I was going to get whacked with a 2 x 4 today!!  I guess God thought I needed a little more 'fire' or fertilizer, however you want to look at it.  

Here are a few "messages" from Pinterest last night: