I am free because I forgive those who have hurt me, including molestation.

I am free because I walk in faith.

I am free because I look to Christ every day for the strength to do the above things.

The slimmest sinew of faith is stronger than the biggest barge of doubt and disbelief

 

I have lived fear.

I have made personal acquaintance with it.  I have actually relied on it, like a [very] bad best friend. 

Fighting fear and anxiety has been an exhausting battle for me that has spanned decades.  As anyone knows that has had this battle, it is not an easy road. 

I have to say some days my faith feels as strong as a blade of grass...but it's really is amazing....He is really just trying to get me to have faith and even if I give Him a hair-breadth of faith.....it really is strong enough to hold me, because He comes in through that hair, that tiny electron or quark, and all of His Strength comes in with it.  

Anxiety coupled with self-consciousness makes me want to shut down and close in on myself, because it feels safer, but ironically it is not.  The road to confident stability and victory lies in opening up and looking to Him.

This morning, the social anxiety was pounding against me.  I looked to Him and saw myself.  He showed me, it was like I was cringing, expecting something terrible to happen.  That revelation changed me.  I was able to show compassion to my students and lead them in a calm and kind manner. 

There are times I just long for Heaven and Home because I get so tired of it all, but I know He has a purpose for me, for my life, anxiety and all.  I also know there are people and children out there that I am sent to, to help.  This makes this arduous life worth living.  Them.  The children I serve and the people I have yet to help.

God bless you in Jesus name

 

What you speak, you Glorify

 

I'm just tossing this around in my head,

but I was thinking about some horrible things I know that have happened to people.....like hideous, unimaginable things.....And I thought of some of the people I know that are still living after these things have occurred.  

I was thinking,  are we going to 'glorify' the evil things, the bad things that happen by thinking about them, thinking we can never get over them?    If we glorify God and good, we need to think and say, yes,  these things happened.  They are obviously works of twisted demons.  However, I'm going to say, LOOK at WHAT GOD HAS DONE!  

 I don't mean to demean any suffering that anyone has been through,  but please don't let the DEVIL and the EVIL that he has perpetrated through people win!  We let it win when we 1). don't trust God to heal (turn to drugs & alcohol or other devices for the pain) 2). we don't give the evil to God and TRUST HIM to RECOMPENSE HIS VENGEANCE!    

The more we talk about the good the God has done, saved us, redeemed us, set us free.....all the beauty in the world and in people, but mostly just GOD Himself, we are glorifying GOOD, GOD.  

It's not that we can't talk about what happened.  But I think when we do, we always need to preface, suffix it with......God can take bad and turn it into good. 

We need to get off of our (okay I need to, lol) fixation with the bad.  

In God, there is no darkness at all....He's 100% positive. 

So, this also goes for the little snubs and insults that we receive from others.  Are we going to let them go...are we going to engrave all the good that they've done into our hearts with indelible ink and let those other things, slink away, like the demon that instigated them without (glorifying) or drawing attention to them?

Glorify the good and thereby glorify God.  

I feel like I'm missing SO much in this little 'talk' and just scratching the surface. ...And as usual, I am 'preaching' mostly to myself!

When God Speaks.....

 

Today, I had had a day more full of 'church' than usual.  I also didn't eat supper.

I say that because sometimes I think God speaks more clearly to me (maybe I hear better), in these circumstances, but He told me to go to the park.  I had seen a man there yesterday that I was concerned about, so I thought maybe he's still there and maybe God wants me to witness to him.  

But He told me to hurry.  I didn't have time to grab everything like I usually do (I always make sure I have everything I might possibly need, lol).  so, I left quickly.  

The man was there and I had a nice conversation with him.  At some point when I was about to leave, he said to me, it's a good thing you stopped by when you did, I was about to turn in!

He kept bringing up God in the conversation.  We talked about where he was going and had been and a few other things. I asked him if he wanted to read my booklet.  We read a few pages, but it was getting late and the bugs were eating us up.  I said, 'it sounds like you already know about God'.  He said, yes, I just read Isaiah, today.

Anyway,  it was cool.  Also, the thought occurred to me that since he was painting houses, that maybe he could help me.  I asked him if he could take out a window, and he said, 'yes'.  that's what I do, is construction.  I just think it's God showing Himself in amazing ways to me.  Because no one has been showing up that I have hired to do work for me and I've been praying about it to God, because I would really like to get this house done before school starts.  

Voices in our heads

 

There are things that people will say to you....you have to choose not to believe.

You have to choose....are you going to believe the negative things, or are you going to believe what God says about you.

Sometimes the worst voices are in our own heads, but we live terrified that someone will actually corroborate what we believe about ourselves and we will be in despair, thinking,  "it's true, then."

Sometimes it's a daily battle, but it is usually strongest when you are embarking on a new venture...for me, anytime I do a social outing or sponsor a social activity... 

Going somewhere?

 

I was thinking today about the verse in the bible that says...."as they went, they were healed."    

Sometimes I would get a little perturbed at God because....like,  Here I am going, God!  I don't see this healing.  Why are you letting me go through this? (Why do I have to go through this)?

It's not the going that heals you,  it's the faith that is required for the going....I didn't know how weak I (my faith) was until I started this path/journey.  

This faith also involves surrender....because it is not WE who do it (whatever it is God is requiring you to do that is really impossible for you).  We surrender to the Lord.  We lay down all our weapons and shields (of self-protection) and say,  "I am Yours, Lord.  Please do through me what I am incapable of doing on my own.  

Amen.

When a garage sale turns into a life lesson

My friend came to go garage-saling with me.  I was looking forward to it.  

But I was tired.  I was so tired, but I drug myself out of bed after hitting the snooze for the fourth time.  She was all perky and ready to go.  

She talked of leaving without me.  That kicked me into gear a little.  I got dressed quickly.  She put my dog out to save me time. 

Then came the first disagreement.  I thought we should ride together.  She thought we should ride separately.  I stood there frustrated, looking at her and she staring back at me.  

"Well, I guess"....I reluctantly said as I got into my car."

She wanted to go to a certain sale and I wanted to get a newspaper that showed the listings....on and on the disagreements kept mounting.  Finally we just went our separate ways.  

I got more and more disgusted as I walked around the sales by myself.  I pouted to myself,  "I wouldn't even have gone if she hadn't wanted me to go and here I am going around by myself."  

Eventually I went back home.  

After I got home, the big evil self pity monster really struck!  I started thinking about how de-valued I felt and remembered how someone else I loved had treated me that same way.  Then I started down a terrible familiar path of feeling totally unloved and unworthy.  The tears were really rolling then!  Yikes!  

But after awhile,  I heard her come into the house and I knew I needed to get myself together.  I was praying sputtering prayers this whole time!   Which sounded like, "Lord, help me!"

Well, the turning point in the battle with the self-pity monster finally came.  I have this trick of waiting on the Lord when I don't have what I need inside of me.  Just looking to Him in faith.

Anyway, I remember pulling my drapes open and staring at the day outside and my beautiful, but pitiful (like me, lol). geranium and I started saying to myself....over and over and over.

"I respect myself."

wow,  I liked the way I began to feel...more strong, confident.  The sniveling soon stopped.  I became more and more calm.  I think I also reminded myself of how much the Lord valued me and just how valuable in general I am!  

So eventually got myself together enough that I knew what I was going to say to her.  Which was eons better than what I originally wanted to say and I am sure it would have been bad for our friendship....it would have made me seem like an overreacting, petulant, large child!  :) 

So, I just calmly told her that if she wanted to go garage-saling by herself, that was fine, but, in the future, please do not invite me if you do not intend to go with me.  

She then in turn expressed her feelings to me which included some missed appointments (me missing meeting places, taking too long to get there, etc).  

So even though our conflict was really not resolved, the feelings and statements that needed to be aired were and there was peace in our friendship (which is the most valued thing that needs to be protected).